Rough Draft Essay. #1
(Health Issue)
Throughout the years obesity has climbed its way up to be known as one of the biggest health issues. Obesity first started by affecting adults and then slowly spread to young kids. It wasn't till obesity had reached a scary large amount of young children that obesity became a greater problem. More and more overweight kids were starting to appear in every playground and park. Newspapers, magazines, and articles were all making front page news with obesity affecting young kids[CP1] . Unfortunately, I was one of them. I had become a victim of obesity. Growing up as an overweight kid and constantly struggling with my weight had made my life a bit difficult to enjoy. Obesity had become a huge health problem that changed and affected my life in a negative way[CP2] .
Growing up and dealing with weight problems greatly impacted my childhood. There were times when all of my friends and I would go outside to run around and play silly games, but because of my weight I struggled to keep up. Whenever playing soccer with my friends, I would always be the chubby little kid whom everyone could easily outrun. I would come nowhere near close to intercept passes and will rarely pass the half field. Even playing other games like catch or hiding seek made no difference because my weight still slowed me down. My weight had severely impacted my physical stance and was also starting to affect my mind.
Being a heavy kid can be tough. On few occasions I dealt with bullying and even some embarrassing but funny moments. However, those silly jokes were not the thoughts that [CP3] trouble my mind[CP4] . What troubled me was the fear of how my overweight problem would affect me in the future. For example, when playing soccer and being completely trashed by other players was a huge blow. Soccer was my favorite sport and, I wanted nothing more than become a soccer player. Having seen myself constantly being outrun made me realize that maybe my weight was the root of my problems. I worried that when I get older I would end up like some of my uncles and will have to deal with the frequent doctor visits or medicines. My weight had affected my mind and I feared for my future.
Obesity had definitely physically and mentally spooked my childhood. It had damaged my health and made my mischievous childhood days hard to enjoy[CP5] . Eventually, I broke out of the silly but hard phase and carried on with my life. Obesity was by far the biggest and scariest health issue that has impacted my life.
You’ve written a strong piece, Josue, just go through and read my comments to make your introduction stronger.
[CP1]Repetitive , can be synthesized into one or two statements.
[CP2]Here you should write that being overweight affected not just your life physically but also emotionally.
[CP3]were not what troubled my mind
[CP4]See comment above…
[CP5]Nicely put, Josue
Growing up and dealing with weight problems greatly impacted my childhood. There were times when all of my friends and I would go outside to run around and play silly games, but because of my weight I struggled to keep up. Whenever playing soccer with my friends, I would always be the chubby little kid whom everyone could easily outrun. I would come nowhere near close to intercept passes and will rarely pass the half field. Even playing other games like catch or hiding seek made no difference because my weight still slowed me down. My weight had severely impacted my physical stance and was also starting to affect my mind.
Being a heavy kid can be tough. On few occasions I dealt with bullying and even some embarrassing but funny moments. However, those silly jokes were not the thoughts that [CP3] trouble my mind[CP4] . What troubled me was the fear of how my overweight problem would affect me in the future. For example, when playing soccer and being completely trashed by other players was a huge blow. Soccer was my favorite sport and, I wanted nothing more than become a soccer player. Having seen myself constantly being outrun made me realize that maybe my weight was the root of my problems. I worried that when I get older I would end up like some of my uncles and will have to deal with the frequent doctor visits or medicines. My weight had affected my mind and I feared for my future.
Obesity had definitely physically and mentally spooked my childhood. It had damaged my health and made my mischievous childhood days hard to enjoy[CP5] . Eventually, I broke out of the silly but hard phase and carried on with my life. Obesity was by far the biggest and scariest health issue that has impacted my life.
You’ve written a strong piece, Josue, just go through and read my comments to make your introduction stronger.
[CP1]Repetitive , can be synthesized into one or two statements.
[CP2]Here you should write that being overweight affected not just your life physically but also emotionally.
[CP3]were not what troubled my mind
[CP4]See comment above…
[CP5]Nicely put, Josue